My Left Eye
by Koos
Summary: Xander brought Faith a visit after her encounter with the First instead of Wood.
1. Default Chapter

**My Left Eye**

Rating: PG 13

Disclaimer: The character in this fic all belong to almighty genius Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy

Beta and sound board: Keith

Time frame: Touched in S7 BtVS

Summery: Xander brought Faith a visit after her encounter with the First instead of Wood.

* * *

Faith was still shaking when she heard a knock on the half opened door. Cocking her head at the noise, she looked over to see Xander standing on the doorstep.

"Hey."

Faith did her best to hide her fear from Xander. You let people see you frightened and they took advantage. Logically she knew Xander wasn't like that, but old habits died hard. "Hi."

"Had a confrontation with the First Evil?" the Scooby asked gently.

Faith couldn't help but smile. Her emotions must be an open book even to the newly half-blind. Faith could definitely sense that young man had not been himself since he had come home. He had already been strained before they went to that damn Vineyard. She had seen it in his speech in favour of Buffy's heart, no matter how sincere his words were. Doubt. She had mocked Buffy a bit with it. Buffy, Willow and Xander were trying so hard to be themselves, like they used to be, but simply didn't have the energy to do it anymore. Didn't believe in it anymore. She wondered if Giles had already given it up. Too much had happened. Living on the Hellmouth had its price for everyone. They had their faults, big ones, but unlike most people they actually cared. They cared enough to actually see what was going on around them. She remembered Angel's words about how they all tried, really tried to help. And that's what made them the heroes. She herself hadn't cared enough to see it back then, but now she could. Xander's injures had hit them all hard, Buffy probably the most. It made her worry for her sister slayer. And she wondered what it had done to his already fragile ego. "Had one with it yourself?" she asked.

Xander walked further into the room as he shook his head. "Nah."

Faith raised an eyebrow. "Oh? Thought everyone had been graced by a visit."

"Not me." He paused a moment. "Uhm, well, not personally at least," he shrugged. "Guess the window fixer isn't important enough."

Faith snorted abruptly. "That's the biggest load of bull I've heard. It's only interested in you if it thinks it can tickle any of your weaknesses."

"You think I've no weaknesses?"

Faith tilted her head a bit. "Good point. You have any?"

"I don't know." He sighed. "Point is that the First doesn't think I'm not useful enough to even bother."

"Your self-esteem hasn't changed a bit, has it?" She stared at his surprised face for a moment. "That's your weakness, X. The First simply ignores you and it works."

"Easy for you to say," Xander retorted, slightly irritated, "You're not part of the furniture." Faith didn't respond and waited for Xander to continue. "A convenience."

Faith was unsure how to react. She was too afraid that she would trigger some of the darkest pages in her life. "Seven years, Faith. For seven years I have been in this gig. I don't have any powers or special skills. To use Cordy's words: I'm the Zeppo."

Faith gave him a questioning look. "Huh?"

He grinned. "She said it the day when you popped my cherry. She meant that I was totally useless." He paused for a moment. Faith felt more and more uncomfortable and looked away. "Guess I wasn't."

"Xander."

"That's not what I meant, Faith. I meant about the -" She frowned as he abruptly stopped with his words. _He didn't refer to our happy,_ she thought, wondering where he was referring to instead. "Never mind," he simply finished.

Faith was silent. She saw doubt in his face, like he was searching for the right words. She wondered what he was thinking. _What else had happened that night?_

He finally continued. "I saw it when you just had arrived and stood in the room filled with people who despised you. You knew it would be like that, still you came."

"Yeah, well, Angel asked me too. And if he asks, I can't refuse."

He shrugged. "I guess that's the influence of people who helped you get your life back. Still, you came. It was your decision. And I did see how it made you uncomfortable." He was silent for a moment and Faith took his words into consideration. He was right: she had been nervous as hell and not to forget: scared. He shook his head. "Angel is a great guy, Faith. He was amazing. He was there for you when you needed it the most. When nobody else did. I almost feel ashamed that I wasn't there for you when you came out of your coma."

"Xander, you couldn't. I-"

His gentle, sad expression morphed quicker into one of anger, hurt and despise than any vampire was able to vamp out. Like the demon inside him had resurfaced. "You broke my heart!" he interrupted harshly. She blinked. He continued in a softer tone. "You locked it and threw the key away without even noticing it," he spat. "I just had my won my fragile confidence back. I had found my cool, that same night - and I really don't mean **our** quickie. I thought I knew my place. I thought I finally had found someone who understood me. I had built up enough confidence to reach out for her, even when I just had learned that I meant nothing more to her than a sex-toy. Even when I knew how scared, alone and therefore dangerous she was. Only for her to grab that confidence, use it for her own selfish needs and throw it away. Just like all those men had done to her. Payback time!" He paused a beat, his eye looking sternly at her. "Only this time **you** did it with murderous intent." Faith looked away, not able to look at him anymore as the image of a pair of deeply terrified puppy-dog eyes loomed up into her consciousness. Every murderer with a bit of a conscience who'd looked into a pair of eyes of an innocent who is about to be killed will notice it to darken. Literally. It was known to drive said murderer to suicide. And she knew it. She has had nightmares about it too. Even in broad daylight those pair of eyes would randomly appear and scare the shit out of her.

Xander continued, showing her no mercy, his voice almost whispering. The tone made Faith shiver. She knew what followed. _Consequences._ "I couldn't be there for Buffy or Anya when they needed me the most. Yeah, I helped as much as I could. But, only when they came to me. I was unable to fully reach out to the people I care about on my **own**. I messed up with almost everything in my life and it took me 'till my Willow needed me the most to unlock it." Tears were rolling over her cheeks, as Faith couldn't hear it anymore. But she had no choice. "Just in time. She was about to destroy the entire world." He paused, allowing her to have a little break. "It opened my heart again, but I hadn't won my confidence back. I still needed another extraordinary key for that."

He stood up and checked out the window frame, allowing her to look at him without him looking back. Even when she had stopped crying she was unable to see his feral grin. She wiped away her tears as he started to speak again. His tone was gentle. "It took me seven years to realize my role in this group. Seven years, Faith, to realize that I'm not the Zeppo. Fixing the windows. Helping the girls with whatever is required. Helping Buffy when needed. Be supportive when it's necessary. Y'know, whatever to keep the group going. I'm the only one who she doesn't criticise. She knows that I'm doing my very best. And you know what happened? They suddenly respected me; hell they even depended on me. Buffy most of all." He points at his eye-patch. "Then Caleb came along and popped me out of the group." He turned around; grin disappeared, as he looked serious at her. "Who do you think took over my role?"

Faith looked unsure, her red-trimmed eyes moving nervously away from him. "Don't know the group that well."

"You do. I saw it when I came back. They were all there for you. Even Dawn and **that** means a lot. He walked to a chair and sat down, looking intently at her. "You did, Faith. I was gone and within a moment's pause you took over to keep the group patched together. You were my left-eye, so to speak. You looked after them, the girls, even when they were scared for you or simply hated you. Buffy included." He paused a moment. "Because you cared."

He leaned forward and continued, his voice soft. "Buffy is a true hero. She's special. You're not her replacement. Or any one's for that matter. You're not Angel's special protégé or The Mayor's special daughter. You're not special." He stood up and smiled at her. "You're astonishing."

Not knowing what to think she switched her eyes to him and the wall in front of her in repetition. He crooked down and kissed her gently on her forehead. Tears welled up in her eyes and she called after him, as he was about to walk away. "Maybe we do have a connection."

He shrugged. "Maybe."

She smiled wryly. "I guess it's up to me to accept it."

He shook his head. "No, it isn't. You were the first to restore the connection. Just like the first time, it's up to me." He smiled. Faith smirked. _Pun intended,_ she thought. "I think I just did."

She smiled back and nodded. "Confidence much, huh?" she asked, winking.

Xander shrugged. "It was a mild conversation," he countered, winking back.

Faith laughed. "It was sweet, yeah. But still within seven minutes."

"Like I said, you're astonishing," he said, grinning and walked away.


	2. Chapter 2

Sequel to My Left Eye

Rating: PG 13

Disclaimer: The character in this fic all belong to almighty genius Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy

Beta and sound board: Keith

Time frame: Post S7 BtVS

Summery: Faith finds Xander in a bar in LA

* * *

Xander strolled through several dark alleys in LA until he arrived at a demon-bar. He didn't care how dangerous this was. It didn't matter. He had to grin. Two vampires had wanted him for the blood in his alcohol. One of them had recognized him, made their excuses and ran away. It wasn't for his fighting skills, he knew that. He was Alexander Harris and most nasties knew about him. He was still surprised when he heard he was like a celebrity among the demons. 

_"The vampires with the soul would kill us if we hurt him."_

He didn't know if it was better or worse than _he's Buffy's boy _or_ he's Anyanka's lover_ or _the witch's best friend _

When he was sober it was worse. Drunk he could laugh about it. He remembered how Harmony had told about him being Dracula's bitch. At least the mockery had changed into fear. One demon had politely informed him of a demon bar he'd heard about.

He saw a vamped out guy singing his heart out for an old flame he'd lost. The guy was the only one who hadn't noticed him. Two female vampires quickly looked away as they notice him staring at them. Xander knew they were gossiping about him. Probably about his non-existent love life.

"A beer," he ordered the bartender.

The bartender was a green-skinned demon with two horns, dressed in colorful clothes and sporting a big grin. "If it isn't Alexander Lovable Harris."

"Xander will do fine, please."

"Lorne. It's an honor to meet you."

Xander rolled his eye. Great. Just what he needed. As if what he had to ask wasn't hard enough. Lorne handed him his beer and was polite enough to leave him alone. At least for five minutes.

"I heard rumors that you can read someone's destiny," Xander asked the bartender.

"You heard right, sweetie. I can read your soul when you sing for me."

Lorne pointed at the stage where a demon screeched about her life.

"No way," Xander shook his head as he realized what Lorne meant.

"It's up to you."

"I know," Xander said hastily. "I'm sorry. I don't like people noticing me."

"Oh," Lorne drawled grinning, "You weren't so shy in Oxnord, were you?"

Xander's eye-patch twisted. How did the demon know about his adventure in the male strip bar?

"How?"

"It was covered in Demonesses' Monthly."

"Hunh?"

"With pictures." Xander was dumbfounded. Lorne showed him a magazine. It had a distorted picture of a man standing in a shower's cabin. It had the title 'Xander and Anyanka, together?' in bold letters. "This one was from Sunnydale."

Xander grabbed the magazine and flipped through the pages until he found the article. "Your gentle author, Andrew?" he read.

"He has an eye for detail," Lorne praised the geek. "You're a real demon magnet."

"Don't I know it," Xander muttered and took a big gulp of his beer.

"Look, honey," Lorne eyed him sympathetically. "I don't have to look at your soul to see your pain. Anya loved you, but it's time for you to move on." Something in Lorne made Xander trust him. "Angel-cakes has called," this made Xander frown. "I work for him. He told me you are escaping your friends and family. They are worried."

"Yeah, well, maybe Angel should worry more about his people than about me. Maybe Cordy would have lived."

His short anger outburst didn't provoke the reaction he had thought as Lorne remained understanding. "Angel-cakes called Faith. She's on her way."

"Faith?"

"She's been looking for you for a while." The demon waggled an admonishing finger at him. "You've escaped her three times."

Xander felt his heart beat in his throat as he grabbed his jacket and stood up. He placed a bill on the counter. "Keep the change."

"Sweetie," Lorne said, trying to stop him, "You need a friend."

"No. I don't."

He rushed to the door, knowing everyone was watching him. Suddenly Faith stepped through the entrance. "Too late," she said as she grabbed him.

Xander shivered, a sudden shot of fear paralyzing him. It was her eyes, it was himself, it was the whole damned situation. That the whole demon world knew about him. That he had abandoned his friends. That he had scared the shit out of them by being alone and drunk. He couldn't talk about them. Or Anya. He felt Faith's arm around him, calming him and guiding him to the kitchen. She eased him into a seat.

He scrambled all his courage together to break through his panic and to look at her face. He tried to speak, but his lips refused to move. They didn't move enough, he corrected, because Faith must have seen it as she placed a finger on his lips. She placed his head on her chest and embraced him for several minutes.

Xander was calmer when she pulled away. She gave him some water and he drunk it gratefully. She tapped a cigarette out of her pack and put it in her mouth. "Remember you said that I was your left eye?"

Her words were soft and friendly – free of all accusation. But they still hurt him. He nodded.

"I am your friend, Xander." This time it wasn't free of accusation. She blew a cloud of smoke. "You of all people should know how much it hurts when you aren't allowed to help a friend."

Xander didn't know what to say. The intensity of her words cut through him. He had avoided his friends and out of guilt he had continued to avoid them.

"I know how hard it is to ask for help." Faith was still calm as she blew another smoke. "I know you know." She'd rather strangled him than to accept his help all those years ago.

"I'm sorry," he said quietly.

She pressed the remains of her cigarette in the astray. "Let me help you."

"I don't know how."

"Look, you have friends who love you as much as I do. Girls who are worried 'bout you. Hell, even Ken is worried. If you continue this way your gonna end up dead very soon. Believe me."

Xander had no intention to face this again with his friends. Not now.

"See, the thing is. I don't know how it works. Angel told me something 'bout it. We all want to have things of our own. Something you don't have to share. Your own house. Pants that other girls won't steal from you. Your own shower. Stuff like that. You understand?"

'Yeah."

"Also your own special friend. Angel is like that to me. I mean, like I said, you're a special friend too. But, I have to share you with the others."

Xander knew that. Anya always had a problem with him and his other girl friends.

"With all the friends you have, you miss something unique in your life. Something that is yours alone. Anya was this person for you. Angel said that everyone needs this."

She paused. Insecurity shimmered through her tough exterior. Xander waited patiently for her to continue.

"I want you to be this person for me."

"You want to be my girlfriend?" Xander asked, more astounded than meant to be.

"Yeah. I guess I do."

He smiled and it made her smile too. It was weird. Faith was so much in the real world, seen so much, but at the same time stuff like dating was as inhuman to her as it was to Anya. Xander knew Faith had problems trusting guys. Especially those she has had sex with.

Faith grabbed another smoke and lit it. Faith tried to be indifferent, but he could tell she was terrified to show her feelings like this. To be so vulnerable towards a guy.

"You trust me this much?" he asked, looking in her eyes.

"I wanna trust you that much. I wanna try."

"You are really astonishing," he said grinning.

"You're up for it?" she asked with her usual confidence.

He kissed her on her lips and she returned it. It was soft and gentle. "Does that answer your question?" he asked as he grabbed her closer and she sat on his lap.

She smirked. "Oh, you're up for it."


End file.
